Butterflies

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Blah Blah... Gay Sex... Blah Blah... Congress

With all the subtlety of an air strike...


Butterflies
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Rejection

I can't fathom a life where a person can grow and flourish without having a healthy dose of rejection littering their path. I mean, I'm constantly being rejected in my fruitless job search and I've spent a lifetime accepting the fact that I'm no one's version of ideal (I'm what guys settle for when they realize their ideal is unattainable). But, yes, I get that there are people who've ate the apple and that they're never to accept no for an answer - and when there is no other answer they throw a tantrum worthy of any toddler. And while in this less than helpful fit, they start to blame others for their rejection. If they didn't get the job, its the interviewer's fault - they were unreasonable. If they didn't get that loan - it's the economy's fault and everyone who's gone into foreclosure. If they didn't get the girl's interest - well, she's just a bitch. If they couldn't get that guy's attention - well, he's just a meathead anyway.

And I'm like... One, way to be mature and show how RIGHT they were to reject you! But two, there is an art to being rejected and it involves at least 50% maturity and 50% acceptance but ZERO percent blame. Blame doesn't get involved in rejection because rejection isn't what folks who grew up without hearing "No" make it out to be. It isn't about failure, either. Rejection is about knowing one's self and what works versus what doesn't work.

I say this as a rejectee. I have to accept that the reason I've been rejected is because they know themselves well enough to guess that I don't fit in with their future. And that's not a BAD thing.

It just is.

Butterflies
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All In the Details

Yes its been forever, but there isn't a whole lot going on in my life that is worth sharing. Who knew being a "responsible adult" would lead me to such boredom. I mean, I thought I'd still be able to spend all night on the streets, living and laughing and wondering what great adventure was next. Now? Jammies are my BFF. On the bright side, it does keep the family gossip about me in the negatives. With all the drama everyone else gets involved with, that's a good thing. Mom & Grandma regret how much I don't ask for help, but its a family trait that Mom taught to us girls (as much she doesn't ask for help either, which my Grandma also regrets).

However, I did go see The Last WitchHunter with Vin Diesel. Movie was pretty entertaining (though he was fighting Faye, not witches), but somehow I'm a super magical unicorn and fell UP the stairs as well as DOWN the stairs (on my ass, several steps). Naturally, my back has informed me that it is NOT happy with this turn of events. So, upping the pain meds sooner and higher than I'd prefer at this junction. I've got a doctor appointment later this week, and I'm going to let him know about the spill as well as ask for a referral to physical therapy. I've had PT in my past, but I haven't caught up with it. There's a therapists office in my office building that has a small gym, and where I'm hopeful that PT Assistants will be able to watch me workout to make sure I'm not doing anything that'll hurt me further. But, if you get the opportunity, go see the movie!

I'm also trying to come up with a new mantra to whisper to myself when I'm either really stressed or when I'm in a lot of pain. Right now, its resting at, "I am power; I am grace." Mainly because its two things I wish I was. Mantras can be part of learning to live a more mindful life, and that's the path I'm desperately trying to steer myself towards.

Online dating is... wow. Not a lot happening on that front, and its because I'm up front and honest with what I want and guys aren't paying attention. I'm not anyone's baby, princess, or honey. I've spent 35 years on this earth and I've needed a man for exactly none. I -want- a guy, but I sure as hell don't need one. Is that too hard to figure out?

Annnnnd, that's about it. So, yes. I'm still alive.

Butterflies
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Typhoid Mary

So, the thing is, if I catch any kind of bug or virus or whathaveyou, inevitably I will 1. mutate it within my system to be five times worse, and 2 give it to EVERYONE I come in contact with. And I do mean everyone. I caught a viral infection sometime recently and all of my roommates are suffering for it. A lot. Way more than I have been. Although the hot-cold and continuous sweating is pretty much across the board with everyone. It's disgusting and I hate the way I smell and I kinda just want to die.

However, I am also completely DONE with "resting". Resting is fine the first few days of it, but after a week of resting? I'm going to work tomorrow to give this to EVERYONE. I will be that bitch. I will be that Typhoid Mary. And I will enjoy ALL OF THEIR SUFFERING.

Some of us really do just want to watch the world burn at this point.

In un-related news, Galaxy Quest is still awesome.
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Butterflies
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Updates Galore!

So, first I want to say that I survived Ycon once again, but I'm seriously saddened by the state that the con has come to. There is NOTHING in the dealer's room anymore. Nothing. If you want to spend money like I do, all the goods are in the artist alley, which is sad. Then, last weekend, I went up to Sac to spend time with drucienne and rahmi and go to watch Maze Runner 2 (because Dru has a deep love for Dylan O'Brien, and I'm totally on board with that). Then this past Tuesday, I had my injection, so yesterday and today have been full of sleep and sleep and sleep, with a brief venture to the vet for Knight's annual exam. September was just full of stuff that needed to get done.

I'm still job hunting, but my hopes are ever so small now. I'm just like, I've got five recruiters I'm working with and nothing, nothing, nothing. It's depressing and aggrivating and just... so much of a headache. I know that there aren't that many jobs out there, but surely there's one in a place where my coworkers won't call me a bitch for doing my job, right!?

White Trash
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Southernisms

A lot of folks talk about the traditions old the Southern states, and they talk about Rebel pride (yes, be proud we lost), they talk about the food, about debutants, NASCAR, and what the hell else. But I've found one thing that a lot of folks DON'T talk about, but is widely acknowledged when the subject is brought up, is how people are "people" per se until they are part of a couple. Not that they aren't important or however we want to say it, but individuals are LESS, they are only PARTS until they become WHOLE with a husband/wife. Makes life real difficult for the singles out there, which is why so many are so hungry to be part of a couple.

My family treats me differently that the other members, and part of it is because I've done everything I can to make me seem as complete of a person as they perceive a couple. I am whole unto myself. I'm not sure how they're going to change if/when I find a partner, but until then I get to bask in my individualism and my differences.

Speaking of Southenisms, I'm currently in a slight war with my Grandma. She sent me $100 out of the blue, so I retaliated by sending her a harvest bouquet. She told me not to waste my money, but I told her I enjoyed making her smile and that I know her and Grandpa haven't been feeling so well so this was sort of a great for her. We'll see what she does next. I know it seems weird to have a war of niceness, but that's how some Southern women act, and its hard to break that cycle. My therapist is amused if nothing else.

Love Is Like Pi
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Busy Busy Busy

Yesterday, I decided to be moderately productive. I hung two pieces of fanart on the hallway wall. With four of us living in this space, it’s important to make sure that everyone has an enjoyable home, so the fanart I’ve been choosing all has to do with games. Nilla has her Portal “Cave Johnson” pic, acquired form ThinkGeek, but I’ve been slowly collecting others. I’ve got several for Mass Effect (I have them in one of t hose K-12 picture frames, which actually looks really cool), as well as individual pics for The Lutece twins from BioShock Infinate, Varic from Dragon Age, and Sephiroth. I’ve got one to put up of the Albion Ale girl from Fables, but it’s in a large frame and I need help with the two hooks.

I also did five loads of laundry, folded them and put them in their place. And I made a pork roast with potatoes, carrots, and celery. Busy!

Friday, I was pissed off at some of the people I work with, which is unsurprising. It’s getting to that end stage where I just need to go. Unfortunately, I need health insurance wherever I go next, which means I’m a direct-to-hire and that means it’s harder to find admin work since so many people want to go with temps, so they don’t have to worry about benefits.

In family news, my Dad hasn’t paid Mom her alimony check this month. He only gave her 200 last month, when he should be paying 600. And he didn’t give her anything the month before that, either. In fact, since July, he’s only paid her a total of 500. Nickel has finally announced that she’s pregnant, and me and Mom both think it’s going to be a girl (or, I added, a really effeminate boy, in which case he’s going to be super happy he has an Aunt living in SF). No real word on Dime, tho. She’s remaining quiet in GA. Aaaand, my Crazy Aunt’s family is desperate to be the poster children for Jerry Springer. My male cousin’s gotten custody of his oldest boy; however, it’s only because the kid is almost 19 and is free to move wherever he wants to. My female cousin has gotten out of jail, my Crazy Uncle paid for it, and is forced to live with her father, which is great because he’s a junkie to the Nth degree. I say this because he’s spent three days last week in the ER because he started hallucinating after drinking and taking prescription drugs. She was by his side the entire time he was there, taking care of him, and then he gets out and immediately asks her, “Why haven’t you gotten a job yet?” I’m like, dude, that bitch hasn’t had a job her entire life! Also, her middle child had to be Baker-Act’ed because he was high off of booze and illicit drugs, standing in the middle of the street asking people to run him over so he could die (because his girlfriend dumped him). This is also the kid with the anxiety problems so bad he can’t leave his county! He has panic attacks if he leaves his small town of Milton. I just don’t even know at this point. The youngest of my girl-cousin’s three kids got her ankle monitor off, but I don’t know for how long - she has her own issues.

Now, I decide whether or not to make hair fobs or… just read more fic. Temptation is something I just can’t deny.


Dead End
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Drugs make my world go away...

So, fun note about at least one of my drugs: Trazadone. It helps me sleep at night, seeing as how my Gabapentin has the  nasty side effect of insomnia. While that link lets you go to an article that is a bit holier-than-thou and bitchy towards the drug (seriously, I love the idea that I could actually *DO* the moderate exercise that would allow me to sleep. Like, straight up, fuck you). I find it mildly amusing because depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse, and lack of sleep makes EVERYTHING worse! This would also not be the first pill that I've been prescribed that doubles as an anti-depressant. I found that the first one wasn't very effective for what it was supposed to do.

And also fun note, I've spent over $400 in the past two days primarily on clothes. A little over $180 of it was for seven bras. Seven. Bras. This is what happens when you are a 38F - the bras only come in three colors and still cost you more than your average date. Also, the chances of pretty lace and/or sultry outline plummet the higher the cup size you go. I've also been buying some dresses because it's been far too warm in SF for my liking. I mean, one of the main draws for this area is that it isn't supposed to have weather! And in the past month, it's reached 90 in a city without air conditioning. Do y'all realize how miserable that is?! So! Dresses. And skirts. And things that wont suffocate me where I stand. This is on top of my already giddiness of buying my first pair of rain boots in preparation for El Nino. I mean, seriously, I hate being wet and cold but right about now I'm DESPERATE for it. Like a stripper in a dive bar on MLK BLVD. "Make it rain, make it rain!"

Butterflies
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Ghosts!

Every Sunday as I'm making my shopping circuit to the Farmer's Market and then to Safeway, I call my Mom to check in. It gives us more time to talk than our usual 5 minutes I'd give her while I was waiting for the bus. It being Sunday and all, there are times when she's not at home and times when everyone wants to talk (mind, she lives with my grandparents).

Yesterday was one of those days where everyone wants to talk. And of all people, it was my Grandpa who told me they have a ghost in their small, little house. A grown woman who will occasionally call out, "Momma!" AND who will sometimes open the front door and then close it. Everyone there has had an experience, some of them hearing the call at the same time. They're all cool with it as long as it remains friendly, but mostly they think its one of my Great Grandma's checking in with them (both, my grandma's mom and my grandpa's mom spent time with them before they passed on - my grandma's mom lived next door since before I was born right up until the day she died), or it's my Grandma's Aunt who also lived with them until she had to be put in hospice care.

I don't know how I feel about this ghost. If it was just calling out, it'd be one thing. However, it's opening and closing the front door, which means that it's a strong one. It's also showing up at a strangely auspicious time, where all the communication Mom's been asking for has been given and requests have been strangely answered for my Grandparents; such as wondering what happened to various relatives aloud, but then going to Facebook and having unrelated people posting about them or they call out of the blue for no reason other than to reconnect. So, I dunno. Maybe its lining things up for them. But it was my GRANDPA who mentioned this, and of all people in the house, he's the least sensitive or spiritual.

Our house usually has a lot of ghostly visitors passing through (we live along some major-major crossroads), but our house has been mostly quiet for a while now. We had something large and with heavy energy in our backyard sniffing around our backyard, but EvilPuppy got rid of it and then I felt my peeps investigating the yard the night before last (after whatever it was left) because my peeps see the backyard as an extension of Golden Gate Park and therefore part of their domain. They don't like to share, so they were investigating who was touching their stuff. But overall, its been blessedly quiet with us.

Ninja
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The Man From Uncle

I went to go see that yesterday with drucienne and rahmi. There was a lot of eye covering by me and Rahmi, because sometimes the Russian was just soooooo embarrassing. But overall, it was a really fun movie to watch. I hadn't seen Superman, so I had no idea how Mr. Caville would be in it, but overall, he rocked his character (also, he has really nice cheekbones). I really did like the Russian, though, because he was so awkward at times it was kinda adorable. The girl was good, but how the introduction to her playing the part of the Russian's fiance would have had me killing him in the store. I'd love to see her hook up with the British boss, simply because I think it'd be slightly unexpected.

I'm torn as to how much I want to dive into the fic, though. Because it could be the next Inception (which, I totally want crossover-caper fic for them, that would be awesome). I don't know why I don't have an Inception tag, because that fandom totally ate my soul for YEARS. To be fair, Sterek has also eaten my soul for years, but I'd still give 8 pints of blood for more epic Arthur/Eames fic. Y'all just don't know.

Problems
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Cheating in the Age of Non-Privacy

I know I get a certain amount of evil joy out of Josh Duggar being more and more exposed as the filthy hypocritcal ass douche he really is, but here's the thing. With regards to infidelity, it's one of those things that happens to people all across the spectrum. I suspect my Dad was cheating on my Mom (at least emotionally) before the topic of divorce even bothered to come up. And earlier this year, I found out that my brother-in-law was cheating on Nickel. Did any of the wives in these relationships deserve that kind of heartache? No. And I hate the idea that some women are faced with the idea that they should suffer partial responsibility for their husband's actions and disloyalty. It's no one's fault but the adulturer's. That being said, my parents got divorced but my sister decided to stay with her husband. I didn't like that, but it's her marriage and she's the one who had to make sure her house was in working order, however that order happened to be in.

Would I stay with  someone who told me they were in a commited, monogamous relationship with me and then slept around? I don't know. I think it would depend on the cheating, on my relationship at that time, and the health of my adulterous partner. Because every path is different, every relationship is different, and this sin't something that's just not a simple way of defining an action even if the end result is pain to the wounded party.

I love my Mom deeply, and am glad she's divorced. When I was finally able to get in touch with Nickel post affair, she said that she was worried about what I'd say to her about staying with him. I told her that every road is different, and that all that mattered was that her house was in order, no matter what she'd done to get it there. They still aren't in councelling, but that's their business - not mine.

That being said, neither my Mom nor my sister ever tried to impose their definition of "healthy relationship" on to me and they certainly didn't try to force theri religious definintion of what made a relationship "right" onto anyone else. Unlike the Duggars. Which is why I am evil-joy laughing at Josh even as I pity his wife (who is not his first victim and most certainly won't be his last).

White Trash
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Still Angry

I'm still angry about last Friday, but I've taken the time to apply for about seventeen different jobs over the weekend. And one job, I applied to it three different times but through three different sites. I'm just... done, I guess. I'm just done.

Which is sad because I'm good at the job I do, I just don't want to do it anymore. Not with the knowledge that people are able to walk all over me without me being able to do jack. I'd at least like to be compensated for being someone's punching bag. Or, at least have the option of growth.

In other news, I heard more about what happened to my cousin. Her ex-husband fingered her as the person who supplied him with the sudafed he was using for making meth. So, that got her on the cops' radar. She's living with her baby 2&3's daddy, who she's not supposed to be living with due to laws and regulations and shit, but she was and they were arguing and fighting all the time, so her youngest, who is the only one of her kids who's under the age of 18 decided to leave the home because she couldn't stand it. So they called the cops on her, reporting her as a missing person. Which backfired because it got the cops into her apartment, searching through their stuff which is when the Rx's that weren't hers got found. So, if my aunt can't get her out by Wednesday, there's going to be even more fall out because she's going to lose her Section 8 housing. But, my aunt is missing the point - my cousin's youngest isn't in my cousin's custody. She belongs to my aunt at this point, which means that my cousin's ONE anchor to the welfare system is gone. GONE. Which means that she's pretty much lost her housing anyway. The most awfully hilarious part is that my aunt (and my cousin) are trying to get my grandparents to give money to bail out my cousin, to which they're having none of it. They've helped her out a couple of times before, but have only been ignored and dismissed for it. And while they helped Nickel get out of jail when she lived with them, Nickel also paid my grandparents back. My cousin has NO ability to pay them back. So, there's nothing happening there.

Dead End
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All in the Life

Nothing quite like being called a Bitch by one of my co-workers, especially as it wasn't to my face but it was while he was walking away around a corner from me and it was loud enough that my OM, Barb, and my IT guy, Ori, (and probably others) heard. Why did he call me a Bitch? Because I heard him open  the dishwasher while it was running and not close it. So, I go into the kitchen and over to see what the problem was. And I snapped my fingers at him to get his attention BECAUSE I WAS ON THE PHONE WHICH IS MY JOB! So, I couldn't call out to him in the process of transferring a call. Anyway, I told him to close the dishwasher door when it was in-cycle (after he opened it, with lights flashing and the little sign saying CLEAN, because, you know, who bothers to read any more these days). I was rude because I snapped my fingers at him for a non-verbal cue and I didn't say PLEASE when I told him to close the door when he opened it while the damn thing was in cycle. You know, practice some fucking common sense! Seriously. Nothing. Like. It.

I'm a receptionist. My job is to answer phones and make sure the place is clean. That doesn't mean I'm a fucking maid. That doesn't mean I'm the hired help. I may not have an "important" job, but fuck you, it's still shit that needs to get done!

Love Is Like Pi
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Biting the Bullet

I'm going to ask UnblessedLemon to make up my face so that this weekend we can take pictures for my dating profile. Joy. I hate make up. But, for a picture, a little easy hand-waving-you-don't-see-all-of-my-flaws kind of magic is more than necessary. Seeing a picture is so different than meeting a person, so I’m trying to make the best impression first and then let them get to know me.

Also, I’ve been reading a lot of Steve/Bucky fanfic and I’m dying for more. Especially more where small, sickly Steve pretends to be a woman, dresses in dresses, and tends to the hearth and home while Bucky is out being a farmer/hunter/worker somewhere because I think it’s adorable. And if I continue to not find it, then I’m going to have to eventually make my own goddamn story where it’s Stucky with the serial numbers filed off. Any recs anyone?!

Butterflies
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Family - Are you kidding me?!

As of very recently, I can no longer say that I have a welfare queen cousin and an ex-con cousin because I learned today that my welfare queen has been arrested for prescription drug abuse and some related charges. And t his wouldn't have happened if it weren't for her youngest being where she wasn't supposed to be while wearing an ankle monitor (after she got caught shoplifting, just like her ex-con uncle, which is unfair of me to say seeing as how he was thrown in jail for stealing all four tires he'd just put on his truck). Naturally, the cops take said daughter to my cousin's house where they find her and her boyfriend with some things THEY weren't supposed to have (I imagine my cousin answered the door high as a kite, which set in motion her own arrest). I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not.

She's been on welfare for longer than I've been out of high school. And it was about to end, seeing as how her youngest is about to phase out of the system as well. She's never worked for longer than a week, and even this latest job that my aunt got her she's been skipping out on (which, she works one day a week, how the hell do you get away with skipping out on it?!) and she's been a junkie for as long as I can remember, so it's not like she's got some way of supporting herself right now that doesn't involve leeching off of my aunt. Also, my aunt is supporting my cousin's kids, so it's not like she has a lot of money to spare for my cousin, who's almost 40 and knows better. So, like, I was expecting this because if nothing else, prison does mean she doesn't have to worry about rent, electricity, water, or other bills. I'm just saying, it's not surprising.

And I'm so glad I don't live over there because I'd want to fix things, and somethings a person just can't fix. This is their road, so I've got to be able to stand back and let them walk it. Which is easiest when I'm on the other side of the country.
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White Trash
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Wednesdays are Therapy Days

So, I've upped my meds, per usual when the pain intensifies, so I'm feeling all kinds of out of sorts. No memory, no clear path of understanding, and I feel all cottony in my head. But also agitated and wishing for all kinds of unnamable reasons to be completely out of my head. Like, I'm serious. It's just an uncomfortable place to be right now.

Also, Wednesdays are days that I go to my therapist. In today's session, because I felt like a long, rambling metaphor for why I should shut the hell up whenever I've upped my meds, I mentioned to her that, for all intents and purposes, the amount of people who say I've done impressive things are full of shit. I haven't done anything that I'd consider impressive. Yes, I'm not living in abject poverty like some of my family - but that's not impressive that's just pride and stubbornness. I'm the first to go to college, but that's not impressive, that's just basic planning. Everything I've done, it's always been because it needed to get done, and it's not impressive because it's not something that I see as "exceptional". They're just stepping stones. On the flip side, whenever I can't do something (either for physical reasons or beccause it's just not within my skill set or color wheel), I do get really hard on myself and agry at myself because it's usually something that I see as needing to get done and I'm... failing to do that. Irritating beyond belief. And I understand that she wants the best for me, and she's trying to show me how I've gone from poverty to where I am now and what I'm doing with my life, but it's hard for me to get where she's coming from because I just don't see it. Just. Don't. See. It. Sure, it's a great story, but when you're the one doing it, it's hard to see it as anything other than chores and stepping stones and building your own path - usually with concrete and too little in the way of lumber - but it's not impressive. It's just... today. An endless parade of todays.

Love Is Like Pi
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Ant-Man

So, I went to go see it specifically for Anthony Mackie (I'm a sucker for such nice cheekbones & a great smile) and Sebastian Stan's cameo at the end. Which, those two were totally owrth it! However, I thuroughly enjoyed the movie, and it had a lot to do with the lead character and his three side-kicks. Michael Pena was hella funny. I liked the ruined moments, the action, and the deft burglary skills. I also really liked the little kid and the Mom made total sense when it came to the custodian rights of her daughter. There were certain moments when I couldn't look, but that's true of just about every comedy out there. Also, I think they handled the comedy aspect of this movie better than they did with Guardians of the Galaxy, which is probably my own bias, but still. Totally worth a watch, and I had been ademant that I did NOT want to see it. :D Just goes to show!

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Butterflies
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Well, that was surprising

So, last movie night, we watched "Dracula Untold", which was surprisingly good. I mean, it had great special effects (him turning into bats during sword fights was simply too cool), great writing, great acting, and actual character development. I liked his wife, I liked his ten year old son, and I liked his two trusted men. I mean, after the last few movies, this was actually a breath of fresh air.

Also, we watched "Jupiter Ascending". And, once I'd had a few tall glasses of wine, the movie wasn't that bad. I mean, it was utterly ridic, but... after a few, it wasn't that bad.

And because I'm giving in, Anthony Mackie wins, because I now know that I'm just gonna hafta go see Ant-man. Because Falcon (I've made grabby hands at his ass since I saw him in "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter").
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White Trash
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no ideas

I randomly get the urge to update, but as soon as I sit down I realize I have nothing to say.

So, I'll talk about family. For instance, every weekend I do a weekly update with my Mom to let her know I'm alive and that things are at an even keel (or how uneven things are with my health and my wealth). I also get updates for the rest of the family. As it stands, Mom's back up in Columbus visiting Dime and making sure that things are good there, or at least good enough since the house is going to go into forclosure. Dad got it in the divorce, and he's found that while he isn't a merc anymore, he doesn't have the funds to support it and his place in Pensacola. So, he's letting it fall into further ruin. Which is a shame, as the house had such potential. I mean, if it had been mine, I'd have turned it into a BDSM Bed & Breakfast type place. Seriously, I think it would have been cute.

Nickel hasn't gottenback with us with news from the doctor's regarding her pregnancy (if she is even pregnant or not, we're waiting for a doctor's note).

And so it was just my grandma and me talking for about an hour, where we reflected on how far Mom has come and how she's got a wide support network and she goes out two to three times a week regularly and how she's feeling so much more up and alive now that she's no longer living in Georgia. I mean, sure, she and Dad are once again in the same city, but she's so much more healthy here than she was there. Grandma was irritated that Mom negated any and all suggestions that she put in just as much energy and effort to their various homes in Georgia, and I told her that a lot of that was her Catholic Guilt coming in to play. "Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm Catholic, too, but she just takes it too far." I laughed at her for saying that because you want to talk about Mom taking her faith too far, you should have been on the phone with her week after week talking her off the ledge of insanity with how she would never love another man and how he was going to reap what was sown and this-that-and-the-other. But she's not talking like that, not like she used to. Sure, she doesn't want to talk about him or think about him, but she's happy. For the first time in decades, she's happy. And that... that makes me feel sos much better about things. I mean, I was okay with the divorce, but this... this is amazing.

I can only hope her finances improve and she can continue to live on her own once my grandparents pass on. Because I truly believe that this is the life she was supposed to live.
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Butterflies
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Random Thought

I think that a not-too-absurd dystopian world could have a girl's "coming of age" ritual being a small medical procedure to remove her vocal cords. Truly, how different would that world be from ours and how would the resistance to it be viewed (other than as uncouth and barbaric to let women speak, the poor things). I just... it's not all that different than how so many women are silenced while so many girls are told to speak up. At what age is it that females lose their voice? When does pain become something that's "all in your head"?

Butterflies
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Dream Big... Or Small

Sometimes I think about owning a small farm (on a lot of land, letting most of it grow wild) maybe in Oregon. Maybe in Montana (Montana has been calling my name for a few months now and I don't know why - there is literally NOTHING there). Have a barn with a few rescue horses, and convert a few stalls into a chicken coop. Have a dog or three. A vegetable garden encased in wire to keep critters out and a bit of land dedicated to hops and wheat and corn. During the winter when I can't get anywhere I'll read bookshelves worth of novels. Have a pool for those warm summer days.

I'd hate every minute of it, though. The insular nature of small towns would be isolating, I've been there once. The small town politics and the gossip and the closed minds would be infuriating, I've lived that once. And life out in the middle of nowhere USA isn't simple or tranquil or even remotely easy, I've done that once. I know myself well enough to know I'd be dead inside of five years. That's not the life for me, but sometimes I kinda wish for it to be that simple.

Butterflies
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Girls, Girls, Girls

Over on tumblr, there's a bit about white guys and how so many Japanese girls can't stand them. Mainly, what they can't stand is being the object of mass-fetishness. Which I think is totally legit (and not strictly a white guy problem), and is more than just a hallmark of the lack of media representation in american movies and television for women of color. To be quite blunt about it, American media portrays Asian women as the docile sakura wife and the exotic tiger mistress. But! It also says that the only role for Asian men is the Kung-Fu Master. Roles for Latinos and Latinas are even worse, because she seems to either be the fiercely passionate spit-fire who's overly-sexualized or she's a filthy degenerate illegal who's only trying to make a better future for her family, while he is almost ALWAYS a farm worker who is in the country illegally taking up jobs no one else wants. I'm not sure black folks have it any better, as they're mostly seen as thugs or welfare mothers and rarely ever seen as an idol to be lusted after. Let's not even talk about how Desi women only exist a little more frequently than bisexuals in movies. I think that white women (in media) are either flat-out trophies or bland basics to which all others are either supposed to compare themselves to or imaginatively replace in the viewers thoughts.

These are issues that have been around for longer than I've been alive and some years are better than others. But its only part of the problem. Hopefully its a part that we can fix.

I want men to recognize that one issue of Yellow-Fever is that it strips women even further of identity, blatantly making them into a false image of a fictional person that never had a true personality to begin with? They become an empty cup waiting to be filled by that guy's spooge. What woman in her right mind wants that? None. No one wants that. Trophy wives don't want that. Hot Latina Lovers don't want that. And contrary to what others might think, black women don't want that non-life either. (And they don't live that life, either.) We have personalities and lives and friends and a multi-faceted life outside of keeping some guy's bed warm.


I'm not sure how parents can turn about and teach their sons that women aren't property, that each woman is different with different wants and different needs and different ways of enduring this hellish reality, but for fuck's sake, they need to start because just about everyone is tired of this shit. Its too late for the adult-aged asshats.

Seriously, guys, these "few idiots" are part of the reason you all have such a poor reputation - you're not stepping in to corral them and instead letting them be "that guy" (which means that, as his friend/roommate/associate, you are "that guy" too).

Genetics Hell
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Rate it Hot or Not!

Last night my Office Manager, IT Guy, and I went to a restaurant called Fly Trap. We like trying different places around town, just to see if they're as awesome as the hype. FYI - Lo Linda is TOTALLY WORTH IT!! Marlowe's... well. There were some good points but their mushroom soup tasted like the soup chef's name was Cambell's. Their Beet thing we ate though, holy crap that was amazing. Anway, Fly Trap. The fries are awesome. Drinks were very tasty as well. There were some questionable side dishes - maybe just certain spices that were over used - that we tried, mainly so that we could say that we tried them. I really enjoyed their lamb burger, sans the bun, and their trout salad. If you're going for simple, decidedly go for the trout salad.

I've also recently gotten a Netflix account, specifically to watch Daredevil, but I've also gone ahead and gotten a bunch of really bad movies. In effort to save anyone else's sanity, don't watch Forbidden Kingdom. Guys, it's bad. Like, seriously, BAD. Like, there aren't enough drugs known to man or gods, that could make this movie good. Between the Lotus-Nipple-Eyed demon and the bad dubbing and the WTF'ery of everything, and I mean everything, it's just BAD. I want to point out that the trailer makes it look at least entertaining, but that trailer is a GODDAMN LIE!! Another bad movie is Lucy. I didn't go into it with high expectations, but it was just... you do need to be on drugs and/or drunk while watching it to be any sort of decent. The Three Musketeers was better, but in a campy OMG sort of way. It was just over the top, and adorable, and the King was so awkward and the Queen was the smartest person there, and Orlando Bloom played a villain with awful hair. Really, it was hilariously bad in all the right ways. Then there's 7th Son, which was just goddamn BORING. It took itself way too seriously. And Now You See Me thought it was more clever than it actually was.

Of the five movies we've rented, the only one we've gone out and bought is the Three Musketeers. *shrugs* And Lo Linda's is a place I'll always recommend.
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Butterflies
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Getting to know you again...

It's funny, but after being away for so long, not just from Lj but from just about any and all online communities, I've forgotten the ins and outs of things. I don't know how to even go about finding online communities, never mind finding any that are relavent to my interests. I don't know how to meet people and make friends, and I'm not even all that confident in my relationships with the people I've known online for ages. I feel like I'm starting over from scratch, mostly.

As an aside, what's the fanfic difference between a "crossover" and a "fusion" fic? Anyone?

All this talk about relationships, I should mention that I've decided that I should start dating. Which, I was never big on dating to begin with, but living in SF, I've found it's even more difficult. There's this thing that I've heard described as the "San Francisco Yes" which is where it's easy enough to meet people, to even get their contact info, but going forward from there is about as successful as hitting a brick wall and getting gold coins - it only happens in the movies, kids. So, online dating, right? Except I've never taking an attractive picture, and have always felt myself a solid 4 on the attractiveness scale (why thank you, grade school, middle school, high school, and college). It's enough to induce a panic attack, putting myself out there to be judged primarily by my weakest feature - my appearance. Obviously, this means I've made little to no headway with this, but still. It's something that I'm going to be working on until I'm successful. Hopefully before I'm 40. Which, jesus, that's less than five years away... Shouldn't I be a respected, responsible adult by now; shouldn't I have mastered all of those milestones I grew up with?!

Genetics Hell
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So many stories, So little time

So, work is work is work is work. The amount of stories I could tell about my clusterfuck of an office is actually kinda staggering. However, the thing I want to mention right now is that, recently the decision was made that we would have employee reviews every six months - which would be great... if there was any chance of my evaluation meaning anything. As it stands, there is no room for advancement for me. Sure, I could become office manager, but that's only if something happened to my current OM, or if she decided that she'd had enough of this madness. Which, to be fair, she does realize that she needs to move on (there are no chances of her own advancement - OM is the end of the line) but she's waiting for the appropriate time. I'm not sure when that would be, but I'm sure I don't want her position.

Why? Because NO ONE listens to her. She has to nag and nag and nag to get anything done, which is wearing on her, not to mention me because when she gets pissed off at the rest of the office, she gets super short tempered with me. She also uses me as a sounding board and a person to vent to (and yes, everyone who is not management uses me as a sounding board and a person to vent to), which is taxing for a different reason. Bonus WTF - If I got promoted to her position, people would think that nothing would change except my title, when in truth a lot of things would change, including how I interact with people because my responsibilities would be so very, very different. Right now, I'm the Receptionist - I'm there to make things as smoothly and as pleasantly as possible for guests, clients, and our employees. If I became the OM, my main priority would be to the office's safety, functionality, and cost effectiveness. Which means I can't be the fun one, I can't be lax in rules, and I'd have to enforce things. Things I'd have no back-up in enforcing because that's the precendence set already.

I seriously need a new job, and sadly, I've been searching for two years now. I don't know if I'm going to find anything before I'm preparing to celebrate my tenth anniversary the way things are going. :(

And in that thread, I went to a job interview last thursday where I was more interested in the process of a group interview (for a tech firm in the process of growing) than I was in the job. Once I was there (and asking the "hard questions", like how would we be evaluated and who would do our evaluations and how often would they be), I realized I really didn't want that job (because the answers were: I don't know, the Sr Admin - who'd only been there 1.25 years because she was their first admin hire - and they didn't know). It was cool to go through their problem solving exercises and work with the other admins, but seriously, there was way too much in the negative category for me to even entertain the thought. On the more humorous side, I made note of just about every Doctor Who reference in their office and was somewhat surprised when they told us that they'd get back to us by Monday with the results of the group review of the applicants but was totally UN-surprised when they didn't get back to me until late yesterday.

So, I'm trying, I really am, but... that's the first interview in almost a year. I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to keep my hopes up, but like I said, I'm trying.

Butterflies
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The Pull Out Method

I just celebrated my 5 year anniversary at my company, and through this time there have been all KINDS of things that I wish could change. I'm not talking about my adulterous CEO, my gullible CFO, or any other kind of office WTFuckery. No, the thing I wish most often (besides the ability to kill a few of them) is that they would use the pull out method when it comes to the dishwasher. I mean, I get that I'm just going to have to re-arrange everything, but c'mon! Open the door and pull the rack out! Don't just stack everything as close to the front as possible.

I get bowls on top, mugs on the bottom (on tines too tall for them so they'd just rattle around), and ALL. The silverware in the front most pocket.

All of our plates, bowls, mugs, and glasses are made from recycled glass, which has a low heat breaking point and will shatter because it feels like it (maybe things are celestially aligned?)These are supposedly smart people, but really they're just better at math than anything else and they're so fucking lazy!

Which, really, I shouldn't be throwing stones about being lazy, but when it comes to upkeep of my environments (let's be real, I spend more time at work than I do waking hours at home, including weekends) I'm a goddamn CHAMP.

Small annoyance, but its daily. Every. Fucking. Day. But, really, how often can I say that the pull out method works?

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